Just in case you didn't read my last post, "Love, Life, and Other Important Things", I wanted to share this with you, because I think that it's something everyone should at least try. So if you cannot sit through that other horribly long post, here is the important part:
Life is a gift we were all given. I know that I am a TOTAL hypocrite when I say this, but life is something we should never give up. Ever. It's worth too much. I mean, the smartest people in the world don't even know how it was created, it's pretty damn valuable. And I know that when things get hard and you feel like you cannot take it any longer, you think the only way of ending it is dying. And to be 100%, completely, absolutely, positively honest with you, it may not ever end if you're still living. But life is too amazing of a thing to throw away. I could write so much more about life in this post, but I'll do that another time. For today, here's what I suggest:
My friend Rebecca (Hi) has this thing called a "blessing journal". She writes what she's blessed to have in it. It sounds like what I do is kind of copying her, and maybe it was sort of subconsciously piggybacking off of her idea, but here's what I do: a "Things I'm Thankful For" notebook.
Every single day since the beginning of the year, I make sure to add at least one thing new in the notebook. Even if that day was uneventful, you HAVE to write something, even it's is small and pointless, just something you're thankful for. Even if you're having the worst day you could ever possibly have, you are required to write something, regardless of how insignificant it is. If you had spaghetti for dinner and it's your favorite food, write "spaghetti" if there's nothing left to write. If you have a candle in your room that smells SO GOOD, write the name of the scent of the candle. It doesn't matter what you put in there, as long as it's:
a) Not something you wrote before.
b) Something you TRULY love and are thankful for, not something you just put in there because you had to.
And on your bad days, you can look at the notebook and realize all that you have to live for, because there's honestly so much. The world is an amazing place with countless things to offer, and as long as you have at least ONE thing (no matter how small) worth living for, you should keep on going.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Love, Life, and Other Important Stuff
Love is a complicated thing. There are so many different types of it, so many ways to express it, so many ways to feel it for someone. So many ways to have that love be torn apart. Love is just... strange. And that's what makes it beautiful.
No, I'm not in love with anyone. I'm not even in LIKE with anyone at the moment. I'm completely neutral. I don't even think I've ever been in love. So why am I speaking about the topic? Because although I haven't experienced it firsthand, I do know the consequences, emotions, and appearance of it. There are four different types of love that I can think of: romantic love, friend love, family love, and love love. You may understand, or you may be confused, but I will get to that... Right now!
Romantic Love: The love that you fall into. Where you feel are so comfortable with someone that you KNOW you don't like them... you love them. There are no butterflies, or jittery moments. You just love them, and you never want to stop loving them, even if they don't love you back. The ONE person that you CHOOSE to be in love with. That's romantic love.
Friend Love: I know we all know what this is. Like romantic love, you're comfortable with them, and there are no butterflies. But the DIFFERENCE is, you love them like they're the family you weren't born with. Your heart swells with love for them, but not in that romantic way. It's hard to explain, but you get it.
Family Love: I've honestly never had too much of this. My opinion on family has always been different—VERY different than a lot of peoples. I feel like all family is are people that you are blood-related to. You're FORCED to be with them. You didn't choose to have them in your life, you just have to deal with it, and either embrace it, or be annoyed with it for the rest of your life. I still very strongly believe that this is true. Go ahead and disagree, that's fine, but that's my opinion. Family is very different from friendship. Friendship, you get to choose. Family, you don't. But family love is pretty much the same thing as friend love, it's just for family. The people you're connected to by blood. It's the same feeling for both family and friends, it's just a different relationship.
Love Love: This is the complete different love from any one of these above. It's when you are in love with anything else. A pet, a place, a thing, a food, an activity, anything. I consider this a type of love because "love" to me is when your heart swells for something. You don't just like or enjoy it, you honestly have a strong love for it. And friend/family/romantic love is completely different from the love I feel for New York City, or my dog, but my heart still swells for them, so it's love. We all have those things that we just love, sometimes more than we love people. Don't deny it. You know it's true. (I'm talking to YOU.) (Yeah. You.)
So, where am I going with all of this? I have absolutely no idea. I think that I just wanted to make this point:
Love is weird. There are plenty of different types of it, and different ways of showing it, but it's still the same thing. Love is love, and love is strange. But when you're upset, mad, depressed, heart-broken, or even get shot in the war and sing to the man you love that's in love with someone else (Les Mis reference! :) ), you just have to keep on loving. Because love is the only thing that will save us from, well... everything.
Now onto life.
Life is also weird. Strange. Awkward. Different. Confusing.
And it's also beautiful.
Life is a gift we were all given. I know that I am a TOTAL hypocrite when I say this, but life is something we should never give up. Ever. It's worth too much. I mean, the smartest people in the world don't even know how it was created, it's pretty damn valuable. And I know that when things get hard and you feel like you cannot take it any longer, you think the only way of ending it is dying. And to be 100%, completely, absolutely, positively honest with you, it may not ever end if you're still living. But life is too amazing of a thing to throw away. I could write so much more about life in this post, but I'll do that another time. For today, here's what I suggest:
My friend Rebecca (Hi) has this thing called a "blessing journal". She writes what she's blessed to have in it. It sounds like what I do is kind of copying her, and maybe it was sort of subconsciously piggybacking off of her idea, but here's what I do: a "Things I'm Thankful For" notebook.
Every single day since the beginning of the year, I make sure to add at least one thing new in the notebook. Even if that day was uneventful, you HAVE to write something, even it's is small and pointless, just something you're thankful for. Even if you're having the worst day you could ever possibly have, you are required to write something, regardless of how insignificant it is. If you had spaghetti for dinner and it's your favorite food, write "spaghetti" if there's nothing left to write. If you have a candle in your room that smells SO GOOD, write the name of the scent of the candle. It doesn't matter what you put in there, as long as it's:
a) Not something you wrote before.
b) Something you TRULY love and are thankful for, not something you just put in there because you had to.
And on your bad days, you can look at the notebook and realize all that you have to live for, because there's honestly so much. The world is an amazing place with countless things to offer, and as long as you have at least ONE thing (no matter how small) worth living for, you should keep on going.
No, I'm not in love with anyone. I'm not even in LIKE with anyone at the moment. I'm completely neutral. I don't even think I've ever been in love. So why am I speaking about the topic? Because although I haven't experienced it firsthand, I do know the consequences, emotions, and appearance of it. There are four different types of love that I can think of: romantic love, friend love, family love, and love love. You may understand, or you may be confused, but I will get to that... Right now!
Romantic Love: The love that you fall into. Where you feel are so comfortable with someone that you KNOW you don't like them... you love them. There are no butterflies, or jittery moments. You just love them, and you never want to stop loving them, even if they don't love you back. The ONE person that you CHOOSE to be in love with. That's romantic love.
Friend Love: I know we all know what this is. Like romantic love, you're comfortable with them, and there are no butterflies. But the DIFFERENCE is, you love them like they're the family you weren't born with. Your heart swells with love for them, but not in that romantic way. It's hard to explain, but you get it.
Family Love: I've honestly never had too much of this. My opinion on family has always been different—VERY different than a lot of peoples. I feel like all family is are people that you are blood-related to. You're FORCED to be with them. You didn't choose to have them in your life, you just have to deal with it, and either embrace it, or be annoyed with it for the rest of your life. I still very strongly believe that this is true. Go ahead and disagree, that's fine, but that's my opinion. Family is very different from friendship. Friendship, you get to choose. Family, you don't. But family love is pretty much the same thing as friend love, it's just for family. The people you're connected to by blood. It's the same feeling for both family and friends, it's just a different relationship.
Love Love: This is the complete different love from any one of these above. It's when you are in love with anything else. A pet, a place, a thing, a food, an activity, anything. I consider this a type of love because "love" to me is when your heart swells for something. You don't just like or enjoy it, you honestly have a strong love for it. And friend/family/romantic love is completely different from the love I feel for New York City, or my dog, but my heart still swells for them, so it's love. We all have those things that we just love, sometimes more than we love people. Don't deny it. You know it's true. (I'm talking to YOU.) (Yeah. You.)
So, where am I going with all of this? I have absolutely no idea. I think that I just wanted to make this point:
Love is weird. There are plenty of different types of it, and different ways of showing it, but it's still the same thing. Love is love, and love is strange. But when you're upset, mad, depressed, heart-broken, or even get shot in the war and sing to the man you love that's in love with someone else (Les Mis reference! :) ), you just have to keep on loving. Because love is the only thing that will save us from, well... everything.
Now onto life.
Life is also weird. Strange. Awkward. Different. Confusing.
And it's also beautiful.
Life is a gift we were all given. I know that I am a TOTAL hypocrite when I say this, but life is something we should never give up. Ever. It's worth too much. I mean, the smartest people in the world don't even know how it was created, it's pretty damn valuable. And I know that when things get hard and you feel like you cannot take it any longer, you think the only way of ending it is dying. And to be 100%, completely, absolutely, positively honest with you, it may not ever end if you're still living. But life is too amazing of a thing to throw away. I could write so much more about life in this post, but I'll do that another time. For today, here's what I suggest:
My friend Rebecca (Hi) has this thing called a "blessing journal". She writes what she's blessed to have in it. It sounds like what I do is kind of copying her, and maybe it was sort of subconsciously piggybacking off of her idea, but here's what I do: a "Things I'm Thankful For" notebook.
Every single day since the beginning of the year, I make sure to add at least one thing new in the notebook. Even if that day was uneventful, you HAVE to write something, even it's is small and pointless, just something you're thankful for. Even if you're having the worst day you could ever possibly have, you are required to write something, regardless of how insignificant it is. If you had spaghetti for dinner and it's your favorite food, write "spaghetti" if there's nothing left to write. If you have a candle in your room that smells SO GOOD, write the name of the scent of the candle. It doesn't matter what you put in there, as long as it's:
a) Not something you wrote before.
b) Something you TRULY love and are thankful for, not something you just put in there because you had to.
And on your bad days, you can look at the notebook and realize all that you have to live for, because there's honestly so much. The world is an amazing place with countless things to offer, and as long as you have at least ONE thing (no matter how small) worth living for, you should keep on going.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
A New Year
Hi blog! Long time, no talk! Today is Tuesday, January 1, which means that 2012 is OVER, and 2013 has now begun. So I'm going to talk to you about the things that annoyed me about 2012, but there's a lesson to be learned as well.
To me, New Years is a fantastic holiday. It started out as something small, (it was simply to mark a new year) but it's developed his own meaning after a while that's important. On New Years, everyone's positive. Everyone has their resolutions in place, and is ready for a new year, a fresh beginning. Some reflect on the year before, and some try to completely look ahead. It's a great holiday because everyone's ready to begin a new life, not dwell on the past. I think this shouldn't be an emotion we purely feel once a year, but all the time. Every single day is another opportunity to make a change in your life. You shouldn't have to wait 365 days to make that choice. Because that's all a year is. Another 365 (give or take) days. The number isn't significant, nothing happened on that day. That's just all the days in the months added together. Before we had twelve months, a year was less than 365. Someone, somewhere decided on the number of days in a month and months in a year. If we were to add 10 more days to March, then the number would be 375. I might be confusing you, but I'm basically trying to say that you don't have to decide to change your life only every 365 days. That's just a number, something random. That number can change at any time, when someone decides to add, or take out days of the year. You can make a change in your life on any day.
One of the most irritating things to hear is, "I hope 2013 is good!" "2013 better be exciting." "2012 sucked. 2013 has to be better." "2013, please be good to me!" EVERY year, people say that. And guess what? Every year, those people are let down. Because guess what? Nothing is EVER going to go completely your way for the rest of your life. Ever. People are gonna hurt you, you're gonna make bad choices. The next year can't be filled with rainbows and sunshine just because you asked it to on December 31. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, people think that happiness is when they get what they want. It's not. Happiness isn't what happened, it's how you look at what happened. Whether you choose to dwell on it, or accept what you can't change and move forward. I will be the first to tell you that 2013 is NOT going to 100% go your way. There will be ups, and plenty of downs, for everyone. You just have to look at it the right way.
2013 will be a good year if you make it a good year. When you decide to take control, not wait for the world to do it for you. Accept what you can't change, fix what you can, cherish every moment, and enjoy every day. Let's make 2013 the best one yet, starting today.
Tomorrow comes.
To me, New Years is a fantastic holiday. It started out as something small, (it was simply to mark a new year) but it's developed his own meaning after a while that's important. On New Years, everyone's positive. Everyone has their resolutions in place, and is ready for a new year, a fresh beginning. Some reflect on the year before, and some try to completely look ahead. It's a great holiday because everyone's ready to begin a new life, not dwell on the past. I think this shouldn't be an emotion we purely feel once a year, but all the time. Every single day is another opportunity to make a change in your life. You shouldn't have to wait 365 days to make that choice. Because that's all a year is. Another 365 (give or take) days. The number isn't significant, nothing happened on that day. That's just all the days in the months added together. Before we had twelve months, a year was less than 365. Someone, somewhere decided on the number of days in a month and months in a year. If we were to add 10 more days to March, then the number would be 375. I might be confusing you, but I'm basically trying to say that you don't have to decide to change your life only every 365 days. That's just a number, something random. That number can change at any time, when someone decides to add, or take out days of the year. You can make a change in your life on any day.
One of the most irritating things to hear is, "I hope 2013 is good!" "2013 better be exciting." "2012 sucked. 2013 has to be better." "2013, please be good to me!" EVERY year, people say that. And guess what? Every year, those people are let down. Because guess what? Nothing is EVER going to go completely your way for the rest of your life. Ever. People are gonna hurt you, you're gonna make bad choices. The next year can't be filled with rainbows and sunshine just because you asked it to on December 31. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, people think that happiness is when they get what they want. It's not. Happiness isn't what happened, it's how you look at what happened. Whether you choose to dwell on it, or accept what you can't change and move forward. I will be the first to tell you that 2013 is NOT going to 100% go your way. There will be ups, and plenty of downs, for everyone. You just have to look at it the right way.
2013 will be a good year if you make it a good year. When you decide to take control, not wait for the world to do it for you. Accept what you can't change, fix what you can, cherish every moment, and enjoy every day. Let's make 2013 the best one yet, starting today.
Tomorrow comes.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Being Judged
It's the day (well, night) before school starts, and I figured that there was no better time to blog than now. I, personally, do not want to go to school. I don't like getting up early, I don't like riding the bus, I don't like homework, I don't like cafeteria food, I HATE math (and math hates me), and I'm not too crazy about the people at my school either. I'm pretty much just a big ball of complaints when it comes to school, but I'm not the only one. There are many other people who despise school just as much as I do. For those reasons, and others. One of the very common reasons people don't like school is simply the idea of cliques, being alone, being bullied, etc. And all of those come from something that everyone does, but no one likes being the victim of: judging people.
We, as humans, want to be liked. We strive to be noticed (in a good way), and fight for the acceptance of others. Some people even go out of their way to change who they are (even if it's a facade), in order to get someone to like them. There's nothing wrong with wanting people to like you. We all do. Why? Because we're simply human, and for some reason, the acceptance of others comes before the acceptance of ourselves. I can see why, and I can't say that I don't want people to like me. Everyone does. In most people's minds (including my own), the worst thing, or one of the worst things is to have someone not like you, especially if it's someone that you specifically WANT to like you. And it's not a bad thing, because we can't help it. But not being liked can tear you down, and hurt you badly.
People say all the time, "I don't want To be judged, by anything but my personality when they begin to really know me." Basically, we don't want to be defined by our looks, or personality at first glance. Often times, the clothes that you wear, or your facial expression isn't the best reflection of who you really are as a person. Judging people at first glance is something that's often times misread, and misjudged, but it's something all humans do anyway, even if they don't want people to do it to them. It's just natural instinct to look at a person, and see what they're doing, how they look, how they present themselves, and judge them straight away, because we're human. Judging people isn't a bad thing, we all do it. And everyone does it to us, especially the first time we meet them. If someone came up to you and told you, "I looked at you, and you looked friendly and nice," you'd probably be happy with that. If they came up to you and said, "You look and mean and rude the way you're sitting like that," you'd probably be offended. We're not afraid of judgement, we just don't want bad judgement.
So where am I going with this? When people judge us as a bad person, or don't like us, it often hurts us and makes us upset. No one wants to not be liked. No one wants to be thought of as rude and mean. At school, there's judgement everywhere, and it can hurt. But at the end of the day, one person not liking you isn't going to end the world. You just have to know how to take the judgement, and throw it aside. Here's what you need to know in order to take criticism as best as you can:
Not everyone is going to like you.
It's a fact. Not everyone is going to want to be your friend. And usually, people have reasons, as stupid as they might be. Once you accept this fact, it's a lot easier to make it through life not striving for the acceptance and confirmation of others. People are going to have problems with you, and not like things that you do or say. They're going to look at you and criticize you. But not everyone is going to like you, and once you fully learn that, you can move on from that one person who doesn't like you, and you'll be happier. Don't fight for the acceptance of someone who's not willing to give it to you. Accept that they won't and move onward. Forward is the only way to go.
It is what it is. If you can't change it, it's not worth the struggle.
We, as humans, want to be liked. We strive to be noticed (in a good way), and fight for the acceptance of others. Some people even go out of their way to change who they are (even if it's a facade), in order to get someone to like them. There's nothing wrong with wanting people to like you. We all do. Why? Because we're simply human, and for some reason, the acceptance of others comes before the acceptance of ourselves. I can see why, and I can't say that I don't want people to like me. Everyone does. In most people's minds (including my own), the worst thing, or one of the worst things is to have someone not like you, especially if it's someone that you specifically WANT to like you. And it's not a bad thing, because we can't help it. But not being liked can tear you down, and hurt you badly.
People say all the time, "I don't want To be judged, by anything but my personality when they begin to really know me." Basically, we don't want to be defined by our looks, or personality at first glance. Often times, the clothes that you wear, or your facial expression isn't the best reflection of who you really are as a person. Judging people at first glance is something that's often times misread, and misjudged, but it's something all humans do anyway, even if they don't want people to do it to them. It's just natural instinct to look at a person, and see what they're doing, how they look, how they present themselves, and judge them straight away, because we're human. Judging people isn't a bad thing, we all do it. And everyone does it to us, especially the first time we meet them. If someone came up to you and told you, "I looked at you, and you looked friendly and nice," you'd probably be happy with that. If they came up to you and said, "You look and mean and rude the way you're sitting like that," you'd probably be offended. We're not afraid of judgement, we just don't want bad judgement.
So where am I going with this? When people judge us as a bad person, or don't like us, it often hurts us and makes us upset. No one wants to not be liked. No one wants to be thought of as rude and mean. At school, there's judgement everywhere, and it can hurt. But at the end of the day, one person not liking you isn't going to end the world. You just have to know how to take the judgement, and throw it aside. Here's what you need to know in order to take criticism as best as you can:
Not everyone is going to like you.
It's a fact. Not everyone is going to want to be your friend. And usually, people have reasons, as stupid as they might be. Once you accept this fact, it's a lot easier to make it through life not striving for the acceptance and confirmation of others. People are going to have problems with you, and not like things that you do or say. They're going to look at you and criticize you. But not everyone is going to like you, and once you fully learn that, you can move on from that one person who doesn't like you, and you'll be happier. Don't fight for the acceptance of someone who's not willing to give it to you. Accept that they won't and move onward. Forward is the only way to go.
It is what it is. If you can't change it, it's not worth the struggle.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
My Passion (Short Version)
For those of you (*cough* Rebecca *cough*) who DON'T like to read long blogs, here is the blog I just posted, without the story. The other one is INCREDIBLY long, (I feel bad for making it that long), so if you want to just read the important part, here it is:
As I start praying that night, that everything will be better tomorrow, I discover the answer I have been searching for: why I love theatre.
I finally discover why I accept weird looks from strangers as I walk through stores in my stage makeup. I understand why I'm perfectly fine to get such little sleep at night. I realize the reason that I continue to audition, even after getting tiny ensemble parts in shows. I fully know why I keep doing this, even if it means being hated by people, and even a bit bullied. I know why I put up with all the drama. I've been asking myself, why do I like theatre? Why do I want this? What is this going to do for me? I've always liked to sing and dance, but why am I doing live community theatre, instead of trying to become famous like most kids? And I finally understand why I love being "the awkward theatre kid" at school.
It's because I want to make people smile. It has nothing to do with getting my name out there, or singing for a wider audience. I don't do it for myself, or to make my family proud. I don't do it so I can say that I've done it, or to impress people on the Internet. I do it for the people that spend their money on a ticket to the show, and are going to spend two hours of their lives, watching people that they can see at HEB or Walgreens, sing and dance. They buy a ticket in the hopes that the cast has rehearsed, the crew has everything under control, and that it's entertaining. They come to the show to laugh, or cry, or sing and clap along. They come to take their mind off of whatever their life is like at the moment, and be thrown into a different story. They WANT to be emotionally touched, that's what they're paying to see. And I'm getting cast in shows, no matter how small the part, because the director believes that I can deliver what that audience wants. I tech shows so I can help it run smoothly, and give the audience a sense of it being real, even with people dressed in black moving couches and pie shops around on stage, right in front of them. I live for that. That's what brings me joy. Not the fact that I can have a standing ovation, or the crowd cheering for me. But so I can make others feel happy. So I can bring others what they want, by doing what I love to do. Every night, even if I make only one person feel happy, or forget about their bad day, I am happy. It feels so food to know that you've made a difference in someone's life, no matter how small it may be, and no matter how you may do it. That's why I love theatre with a passion. I get to be with the people that are just like me. That feel the exact same way as me, and do the exact same things, and make people smile. I get to be with the people that are more than my friends, but are my family. God put us in the right place at the right time, gave us what we needed, and said, "Go." And we did. And every day as we rehearse, and laugh, we're just getting even better at making people happy. Every show, we're making people smile. We're making a difference, even changing their lives. Watching a show changed mine, and made me want to do theatre. My life is completely different now. Now, I'm hopefully doing the same. And that's all I want to do, for the rest of my life. Change peoples lives, for the better.
As I start praying that night, that everything will be better tomorrow, I discover the answer I have been searching for: why I love theatre.
I finally discover why I accept weird looks from strangers as I walk through stores in my stage makeup. I understand why I'm perfectly fine to get such little sleep at night. I realize the reason that I continue to audition, even after getting tiny ensemble parts in shows. I fully know why I keep doing this, even if it means being hated by people, and even a bit bullied. I know why I put up with all the drama. I've been asking myself, why do I like theatre? Why do I want this? What is this going to do for me? I've always liked to sing and dance, but why am I doing live community theatre, instead of trying to become famous like most kids? And I finally understand why I love being "the awkward theatre kid" at school.
It's because I want to make people smile. It has nothing to do with getting my name out there, or singing for a wider audience. I don't do it for myself, or to make my family proud. I don't do it so I can say that I've done it, or to impress people on the Internet. I do it for the people that spend their money on a ticket to the show, and are going to spend two hours of their lives, watching people that they can see at HEB or Walgreens, sing and dance. They buy a ticket in the hopes that the cast has rehearsed, the crew has everything under control, and that it's entertaining. They come to the show to laugh, or cry, or sing and clap along. They come to take their mind off of whatever their life is like at the moment, and be thrown into a different story. They WANT to be emotionally touched, that's what they're paying to see. And I'm getting cast in shows, no matter how small the part, because the director believes that I can deliver what that audience wants. I tech shows so I can help it run smoothly, and give the audience a sense of it being real, even with people dressed in black moving couches and pie shops around on stage, right in front of them. I live for that. That's what brings me joy. Not the fact that I can have a standing ovation, or the crowd cheering for me. But so I can make others feel happy. So I can bring others what they want, by doing what I love to do. Every night, even if I make only one person feel happy, or forget about their bad day, I am happy. It feels so food to know that you've made a difference in someone's life, no matter how small it may be, and no matter how you may do it. That's why I love theatre with a passion. I get to be with the people that are just like me. That feel the exact same way as me, and do the exact same things, and make people smile. I get to be with the people that are more than my friends, but are my family. God put us in the right place at the right time, gave us what we needed, and said, "Go." And we did. And every day as we rehearse, and laugh, we're just getting even better at making people happy. Every show, we're making people smile. We're making a difference, even changing their lives. Watching a show changed mine, and made me want to do theatre. My life is completely different now. Now, I'm hopefully doing the same. And that's all I want to do, for the rest of my life. Change peoples lives, for the better.
Monday, August 13, 2012
My Passion (Long Version)
So I haven't blogged in a while (a long while, for me), even though I've been meaning to. I've been going through experience after experience, and while I've been trying my hardest trying to learn something, and make something of the situation, I haven't learned anything new. So, the only reason I haven't blogged is because I haven't had anything to blog about, and for those who do care about that, I am sorry. This is going to be more of a personal post to me, in regards to my feelings and emotions as opposed to what usually is just a lesson I have learned. I am actually going to share with you (whoever "you" is), something that personally means something to me deeply. This is going to be UBER LONG, just warning you. It's gonna be the longest I've ever posted. It's going to be quite a while before I get to the lesson. I'm sorry if you feel like my blogs are wordy enough already, but there's a story to go with this one.
Last night (or should I say morning-it was 4 AM) was one of the most emotional nights (mornings) I have ever had. I'm an older sister, and my little sister is 12. She's obsessed with this website called "Quotev" that she has an account on, where you post stories, quizzes, statuses, and just talk to new people around the world, much like any other social networking site. Anyway, I'm a bit apprehensive to the subject of my little sister posting things on the Internet (although I do it too-hypocritical, right?), and my parents never checking what she's on. I'm not going to question my mom and dad's parenting, but I don't think it's the right thing to not check what she's doing, considering she's only 12, and not the most responsible. So, taking initiative, I do it for them. (Note: My sister would kill me if she knew I did this.) Not to learn about my sister's personal life (however personal you can get on the Internet), but what she does, and how much she connects with strangers, and if she does communicate with them, what information she is sharing. So, I get onto her page (I don't know her password, so I wasn't logged into her account, just looking at her page) and I start reading some of the statuses, and I see some cuss words, (we're not allowed to cuss) and other things that startle me (nothing too bad), but nothing that's too bad, or upsets me too much. She's 12, of course she's going to write the things she does. But then, I come across a status about her wanting to be on Broadway, and this is where I really start to get irritated.
Why I am getting irritated is because she doesn't even LIKE musicals, or theatre for that matter. She thinks it's stupid and that I am wasting my time. Or, that's what she tells me. Because judging from all of these statuses, SHE'S a "theatre kid". That is not at all true. One of these posts particularly irritates me. It says:
If I were in Wicked, I'd want to be Gelenda (or however you spell it)
I'd want to be Julie in The Wedding Singer.
And if I were in Sound of Music, I want to be Liesel.
What PISSES ME OFF about this is that it is all 100% LIES. She has never seen Wicked or Wedding Singer. The only reason she knows about them is because they're MY favorite shows, and I talk about them all the time. You spell it "Galinda/Glinda", and the girl from Wedding Singer's name isn't even Julie! It's JULIA! And the only reason she's seen The Sound of Music is because I was in it!
I see other posts like this, with lyrics to the songs from those musicals that I'M always singing, and follow up posts with, "I like to post lyrics from my favorite musicals when I'm bored. Don't judge me." She has never even BOTHERED to listen to those songs or soundtracks! She just hears ME sing them! So, while all of this is REALLY irritating me, because she is pretty much lying, I see one particular post that sets me off, and I start bawling my eyes out (she has horrible grammar):
My sister is yelling at me just cause I like musicals. Just cause I like to sing. All the knows how to do is insult me for stuff like that so im afraid to sing or act or anything in public because she says ill never make it and im terrible. Then she goes and does it when ii give up, and just know, that she thinks im better then her. She told me when we were little litterally this: "Olivia your better then me but i dont care, youll never make it." and then i give up, she goes and tries to make it. She yells at me when i get a lead in a play or AUDITION for one or something. im not even allowd to go into theatre arts at my school cause of her. What a great sister she is -_- to make me lose my hope just so shell have HER dream ._. thanks to her, I dont do any of that kind of stuff im not even allowd to WATCH a musical or SING or ill get yelled at or slammed against a wall or shell snitch on me or something. Im SICK OF HER
That. Is. A. Lie. I have never once told her that she was more talented than me. She has never once gotten a lead in a show. She has only ONCE tried out for a show, FOUR YEARS AGO. Everything of that is a lie, except for the fact that I did yell at her for liking musicals. Here's why, although you might not understand:
When you're sisters, everything is a competition. Grades, looks, friends, everything. ESPECIALLY you're involved in the same things. So, a few years ago, my sister and I invented something called "things". These "things" either belong to me or her, and the other cannot take, or get involved in the other person's things, without permission from the other person. These "things" vary from places, stores, hobbies, items, products, clothes, websites, and more. We made a deal not to tell our parents about these "things", because they would demand we stop. For a while, these "things" worked out really well. We didn't get into HALF as many arguments as I'm sure we would have, since we were completely different. Then, she started disobeying the one thing that we had forever agreed on. When I had started playing the piano, I had called any musical instrument as my thing, and she agreed. A while later, she wanted to play the saxophone, and I had grudgingly given her permission after much yelling from her. A year later, she wants to play the clarinet too, and didn't even bother asking. She just did it. Another thing I had called was the clothing store Aeropostale. Again, with MUCH yelling (in public places, I might add) from her, I had to give in to THAT too. If I didn't, it "wasn't fair". At one point, she wanted to test (and did test, although she didn't pass) into my school, even though I had tears in my eyes at the thought of her being even relatively close to my friends. It would really stink if your biggest competition (your siblings) invaded what you loved. Here's why I'm mad about all these posts: I had called live/musical theatre as MY thing. And she has the audacity to go and pretend like she is involved in theatre, on the Internet. Even after guilting me into giving her all those other things. She goes, and takes what is mine. And it SUCKS.
So I sit there for a while, crying because of all these posts. I think that she just wanted to step in, and be in theatre because she wants applause and recognition. She thinks that she can walk in and take what I have worked so hardly for, with the snap of her fingers, because she wants it. Because it's mine. Then, I think I finally come down to the REAL reason she's posting these things.
I remember that she's speaking to strangers on this website, and immediately recall one that she spends a lot of time talking to. A girl named Fragile. Apparently, Fragile is another theatre kid, (like me), and is in love with the show, Wicked (like me). It then starts to only make sense that my sister is posting these things to keep Fragile interested in her. She's taking who I am, and pretending like it's her, for the sake of her image online. I don't know if that's really what she's doing. But it's the only real explanation to why she's saying these things, and then falling asleep at my performances and shows.
(Here's where the lesson FINALLY comes in-I congratulate, and thank you SO MUCH if you've read this far. I just felt the need to explain everything.)
It then makes SOME sense (although I am irritated with her to an extreme amount still), and as I start praying that night, that everything will be better tomorrow, I discover the answer I have been searching for: why I love theatre.
I finally discover why I accept weird looks from strangers as I walk through stores in my stage makeup. I understand why I'm perfectly fine to get such little sleep at night. I realize the reason that I continue to audition, even after getting tiny ensemble parts in shows. I fully know why I keep doing this, even if it means being hated by people, and even a bit bullied. I know why I put up with all the drama. I've been asking myself, why do I like theatre? Why do I want this? What is this going to do for me? I've always liked to sing and dance, but why am I doing live community theatre, instead of trying to become famous like most kids? And I finally understand why I love being "the awkward theatre kid" at school.
It's because I want to make people smile. It has nothing to do with getting my name out there, or singing for a wider audience. I don't do it for myself, or to make my family proud. I don't do it so I can say that I've done it, or to impress people on the Internet. I do it for the people that spend their money on a ticket to the show, and are going to spend two hours of their lives, watching people that they can see at HEB or Walgreens, sing and dance. They buy a ticket in the hopes that the cast has rehearsed, the crew has everything under control, and that it's entertaining. They come to the show to laugh, or cry, or sing and clap along. They come to take their mind off of whatever their life is like at the moment, and be thrown into a different story. They WANT to be emotionally touched, that's what they're paying to see. And I'm getting cast in shows, no matter how small the part, because the director believes that I can deliver what that audience wants. I tech shows so I can help it run smoothly, and give the audience a sense of it being real, even with people dressed in black moving couches and pie shops around on stage, right in front of them. I live for that. That's what brings me joy. Not the fact that I can have a standing ovation, or the crowd cheering for me. But so I can make others feel happy. So I can bring others what they want, by doing what I love to do. Every night, even if I make only one person feel happy, or forget about their bad day, I am happy. It feels so food to know that you've made a difference in someone's life, no matter how small it may be, and no matter how you may do it. That's why I love theatre with a passion. I get to be with the people that are just like me. That feel the exact same way as me, and do the exact same things, and make people smile. I get to be with the people that are more than my friends, but are my family. God put us in the right place at the right time, gave us what we needed, and said, "Go." And we did. And every day as we rehearse, and laugh, we're just getting even better at making people happy. Every show, we're making people smile. We're making a difference, even changing their lives. Watching a show changed mine, and made me want to do theatre. My life is completely different now. Now, I'm hopefully doing the same. And that's all I want to do, for the rest of my life. Change peoples lives, for the better.
Last night (or should I say morning-it was 4 AM) was one of the most emotional nights (mornings) I have ever had. I'm an older sister, and my little sister is 12. She's obsessed with this website called "Quotev" that she has an account on, where you post stories, quizzes, statuses, and just talk to new people around the world, much like any other social networking site. Anyway, I'm a bit apprehensive to the subject of my little sister posting things on the Internet (although I do it too-hypocritical, right?), and my parents never checking what she's on. I'm not going to question my mom and dad's parenting, but I don't think it's the right thing to not check what she's doing, considering she's only 12, and not the most responsible. So, taking initiative, I do it for them. (Note: My sister would kill me if she knew I did this.) Not to learn about my sister's personal life (however personal you can get on the Internet), but what she does, and how much she connects with strangers, and if she does communicate with them, what information she is sharing. So, I get onto her page (I don't know her password, so I wasn't logged into her account, just looking at her page) and I start reading some of the statuses, and I see some cuss words, (we're not allowed to cuss) and other things that startle me (nothing too bad), but nothing that's too bad, or upsets me too much. She's 12, of course she's going to write the things she does. But then, I come across a status about her wanting to be on Broadway, and this is where I really start to get irritated.
Why I am getting irritated is because she doesn't even LIKE musicals, or theatre for that matter. She thinks it's stupid and that I am wasting my time. Or, that's what she tells me. Because judging from all of these statuses, SHE'S a "theatre kid". That is not at all true. One of these posts particularly irritates me. It says:
If I were in Wicked, I'd want to be Gelenda (or however you spell it)
I'd want to be Julie in The Wedding Singer.
And if I were in Sound of Music, I want to be Liesel.
What PISSES ME OFF about this is that it is all 100% LIES. She has never seen Wicked or Wedding Singer. The only reason she knows about them is because they're MY favorite shows, and I talk about them all the time. You spell it "Galinda/Glinda", and the girl from Wedding Singer's name isn't even Julie! It's JULIA! And the only reason she's seen The Sound of Music is because I was in it!
I see other posts like this, with lyrics to the songs from those musicals that I'M always singing, and follow up posts with, "I like to post lyrics from my favorite musicals when I'm bored. Don't judge me." She has never even BOTHERED to listen to those songs or soundtracks! She just hears ME sing them! So, while all of this is REALLY irritating me, because she is pretty much lying, I see one particular post that sets me off, and I start bawling my eyes out (she has horrible grammar):
My sister is yelling at me just cause I like musicals. Just cause I like to sing. All the knows how to do is insult me for stuff like that so im afraid to sing or act or anything in public because she says ill never make it and im terrible. Then she goes and does it when ii give up, and just know, that she thinks im better then her. She told me when we were little litterally this: "Olivia your better then me but i dont care, youll never make it." and then i give up, she goes and tries to make it. She yells at me when i get a lead in a play or AUDITION for one or something. im not even allowd to go into theatre arts at my school cause of her. What a great sister she is -_- to make me lose my hope just so shell have HER dream ._. thanks to her, I dont do any of that kind of stuff im not even allowd to WATCH a musical or SING or ill get yelled at or slammed against a wall or shell snitch on me or something. Im SICK OF HER
That. Is. A. Lie. I have never once told her that she was more talented than me. She has never once gotten a lead in a show. She has only ONCE tried out for a show, FOUR YEARS AGO. Everything of that is a lie, except for the fact that I did yell at her for liking musicals. Here's why, although you might not understand:
When you're sisters, everything is a competition. Grades, looks, friends, everything. ESPECIALLY you're involved in the same things. So, a few years ago, my sister and I invented something called "things". These "things" either belong to me or her, and the other cannot take, or get involved in the other person's things, without permission from the other person. These "things" vary from places, stores, hobbies, items, products, clothes, websites, and more. We made a deal not to tell our parents about these "things", because they would demand we stop. For a while, these "things" worked out really well. We didn't get into HALF as many arguments as I'm sure we would have, since we were completely different. Then, she started disobeying the one thing that we had forever agreed on. When I had started playing the piano, I had called any musical instrument as my thing, and she agreed. A while later, she wanted to play the saxophone, and I had grudgingly given her permission after much yelling from her. A year later, she wants to play the clarinet too, and didn't even bother asking. She just did it. Another thing I had called was the clothing store Aeropostale. Again, with MUCH yelling (in public places, I might add) from her, I had to give in to THAT too. If I didn't, it "wasn't fair". At one point, she wanted to test (and did test, although she didn't pass) into my school, even though I had tears in my eyes at the thought of her being even relatively close to my friends. It would really stink if your biggest competition (your siblings) invaded what you loved. Here's why I'm mad about all these posts: I had called live/musical theatre as MY thing. And she has the audacity to go and pretend like she is involved in theatre, on the Internet. Even after guilting me into giving her all those other things. She goes, and takes what is mine. And it SUCKS.
So I sit there for a while, crying because of all these posts. I think that she just wanted to step in, and be in theatre because she wants applause and recognition. She thinks that she can walk in and take what I have worked so hardly for, with the snap of her fingers, because she wants it. Because it's mine. Then, I think I finally come down to the REAL reason she's posting these things.
I remember that she's speaking to strangers on this website, and immediately recall one that she spends a lot of time talking to. A girl named Fragile. Apparently, Fragile is another theatre kid, (like me), and is in love with the show, Wicked (like me). It then starts to only make sense that my sister is posting these things to keep Fragile interested in her. She's taking who I am, and pretending like it's her, for the sake of her image online. I don't know if that's really what she's doing. But it's the only real explanation to why she's saying these things, and then falling asleep at my performances and shows.
(Here's where the lesson FINALLY comes in-I congratulate, and thank you SO MUCH if you've read this far. I just felt the need to explain everything.)
It then makes SOME sense (although I am irritated with her to an extreme amount still), and as I start praying that night, that everything will be better tomorrow, I discover the answer I have been searching for: why I love theatre.
I finally discover why I accept weird looks from strangers as I walk through stores in my stage makeup. I understand why I'm perfectly fine to get such little sleep at night. I realize the reason that I continue to audition, even after getting tiny ensemble parts in shows. I fully know why I keep doing this, even if it means being hated by people, and even a bit bullied. I know why I put up with all the drama. I've been asking myself, why do I like theatre? Why do I want this? What is this going to do for me? I've always liked to sing and dance, but why am I doing live community theatre, instead of trying to become famous like most kids? And I finally understand why I love being "the awkward theatre kid" at school.
It's because I want to make people smile. It has nothing to do with getting my name out there, or singing for a wider audience. I don't do it for myself, or to make my family proud. I don't do it so I can say that I've done it, or to impress people on the Internet. I do it for the people that spend their money on a ticket to the show, and are going to spend two hours of their lives, watching people that they can see at HEB or Walgreens, sing and dance. They buy a ticket in the hopes that the cast has rehearsed, the crew has everything under control, and that it's entertaining. They come to the show to laugh, or cry, or sing and clap along. They come to take their mind off of whatever their life is like at the moment, and be thrown into a different story. They WANT to be emotionally touched, that's what they're paying to see. And I'm getting cast in shows, no matter how small the part, because the director believes that I can deliver what that audience wants. I tech shows so I can help it run smoothly, and give the audience a sense of it being real, even with people dressed in black moving couches and pie shops around on stage, right in front of them. I live for that. That's what brings me joy. Not the fact that I can have a standing ovation, or the crowd cheering for me. But so I can make others feel happy. So I can bring others what they want, by doing what I love to do. Every night, even if I make only one person feel happy, or forget about their bad day, I am happy. It feels so food to know that you've made a difference in someone's life, no matter how small it may be, and no matter how you may do it. That's why I love theatre with a passion. I get to be with the people that are just like me. That feel the exact same way as me, and do the exact same things, and make people smile. I get to be with the people that are more than my friends, but are my family. God put us in the right place at the right time, gave us what we needed, and said, "Go." And we did. And every day as we rehearse, and laugh, we're just getting even better at making people happy. Every show, we're making people smile. We're making a difference, even changing their lives. Watching a show changed mine, and made me want to do theatre. My life is completely different now. Now, I'm hopefully doing the same. And that's all I want to do, for the rest of my life. Change peoples lives, for the better.
Friday, July 6, 2012
"Fate" Continued
A while ago, I wrote a post entitled "Fate". It was probably the most emotional post I have ever written, and it still is very emotional to me as I am writing this. If this is your first time reading, or if you just can't remember much about what it said, go back and read it before continuing this post. Then, come back and read this.
The last, and half of the second to last paragraphs of that post went like this:
This time, it's not "the end, until...". It's still continuing. It's just beginning. It's been a little over a year since we first met each other at that audition (neither of us got in), and now we're both performing side by side (literally) to each other. It only took a year.
I believe that wasn't fate. Everyone was put in our lives for a reason. I can tell that this person was put into my life for a definite reason. I can already give you some that she's shown me. Everyone teaches you something. I can already tell you some things I've learned from her, and I hope she's learned something from me. God puts everyone in our lives for a certain reason, he doesn't leave things up to chance. It wasn't fate that we met. He planned it. He said, "You need someone like her in your life," and made it happen. What we chose to do with it was our decision. She's one of my best friends, and I hope she continues to be for a long time. If not, then at least I've learned what I can, while I had it. I just hope I can have it for longer.
So much has happened since I wrote that post. So many feelings have changed and experiences have occurred. I just went back and read that post, and remembered how it felt writing it. I decided: it's time to write a continuation. So, here it is:
It's now March, and things have been put into full effect. We've been working our hours for First Stage Players, I've been in a show already (Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat), and are in the process of another show, Flat Stanley. She got into the show, and I didn't. But I'm teching for it, so it's alright. She's getting a lot of negative attention during this show. People are saying things behind her back, and not being the nicest to her. I'm standing by her though. Every time I walk into the cold theatre to set up for a show, she gives me a hug, or I give her a hug. Even though I'm on the crew and she's in the cast, we're still best friends. We're still talking a lot. And with everything anyone says mean about her, I'm telling her. I'm standing up for her. I'm being the friend she's always been to me, or I'm at least trying to be. As many things that have happened within this show's run, I'm there for her. She's there for me. I can't ask for a better friend.
It's now April, and although Flat Stanley's over, we're not put to rest yet. We're in the midst of rehearsals for a new show we're in together, The Sound of Music. Rehearsals are pretty fun, not much is happening. Everyone's in a pretty good mood. Then, the show starts.
It's now late-May, and we're right in the middle of the run of The Sound of Music. This is where things start to take a turn. Suddenly, everything I was during Flat Stanley is thrown out the window. Then, I was trying to be a good friend, and now, I'm being the opposite. I'm not doing it on purpose, but I am. I'm talking behind her back with another person. It's nothing really serious, but it wasn't the right thing for me to do. Eventually, it comes out, and she knows. It's four in the morning, and we're having a text argument/conversation. There's nothing I can do but apologize profusely. The next day, she texts me and says that she slept on it, and now forgives me. I'm happy with that. And things kind of go back to the way they were. Kind of. I feel as if suddenly, she doesn't like me. Like she's avoiding me. She's not talking to me anymore, only to ask for favors, and she's talking to others instead. She's excluding me, and leaving me out. I try to tell her, but she won't listen. Towards the end of the run, it kind of gets better, but not really. She doesn't even say goodbye to me when she leaves the theater after the last show. That hurts, but it's kind of okay though. We're going to New York the next day with the First Stage Players.
It's now July 11th, and we're heading to New York city. The rest of the week flys by. It was the best week of my life, but it also hurts me. She's still not talking to me. At all. She doesn't even mutter so much as a word to me some days. She's seriously excluding and ignoring me. I continue to tell her, but she doesn't listen, and thinks that I'm ignoring her. It hurts. And after New York, we're not going to see each other again for a while, since we're taking a break from theatre. Nothing is fixed. Nothing's resolved. Nothing. I do the only thing I can think of doing. And as much as it was a horrible decision, I did it. I indirect tweeted very mean things about her. I called her hypocritical, selfish, and a bad friend. I called her many things that I don't mean now. It wasn't the right thing to do, I never should've done it. But I did. And again, I apologize profusely. She won't forgive me. She kind of apologized for excluding me, and I forgave her. We all make mistakes. We're human. But she won't forgive me. I'm crying every day, and stressing out all the time. I've never been this unhappy. I try and try to convince her to have a conversation with me, to REALLY talk it out. She won't.
It's now July, and I text her today asking her a question completely un-related to all of this. Her answer makes me upset, and jealous. I respond with, "Oh. Okay. Thanks." Since she can read me like a picture book, she knows something's wrong. She responds with, "Yeah... You okay?" Things are a bit awkward between us because of the whole argument. We still haven't talked about it, and I'm still trying to get her to. I respond with, "Yeah, I guess. I'm just... Jealous? I don't know," and she doesn't respond. This gives me the sense of realization that: it's over. I made a stupid mistake because of her mistake, and it's all over. Everything that we've been through, everything that we've done. It's over. It's thrown out the window because she won't forgive me. And now... we're not best friends anymore. There's no use in trying to get her to talk to me, because she's not going to forgive me. I have no idea why. It doesn't make sense to me. But she's not. It's over. Our friendship... is over.
"Everyone was put in our lives for a reason. I can tell that this person was put into my life for a definite reason." These are words I continue to stand by, even after all this has been said and done. Maybe this ended badly. Maybe we'll never be friends again. But that year that I had her in my life, I cannot be more thankful for. I do feel like having her in my life was a blessing from God, as I said before. She's taught me so many things I wouldn't have learned if I didn't have her. She especially taught me how to be a friend. That's one of the most important lessons you can learn. It's making me cry buckets writing this. I can barely see the screen. I don't like the way that things ended, not one bit. I wish I could go back in time and change them. But I am still incredibly blessed to have had this person in my life, even if it was for only a year. I wouldn't be writing this if I wasn't. In "Fate", I wrote, "She's one of my best friends, and I hope she continues to be for a long time. If not, then at least I've learned what I can, while I had it. I just hope I can have it for longer." That holds very true to this situation. She might be out of my life forever. If so, I've learned what I can. But I still do hope I can have it for longer. I really do. So, this seems like this post is the end of a long journey for me. From the beginning of "Fate", until the end of "'Fate' Continued". This seems like it might be "The end," for this person and I. I hope it isn't. I hope it's "The end, until..." as it was so many times before.
The last, and half of the second to last paragraphs of that post went like this:
This time, it's not "the end, until...". It's still continuing. It's just beginning. It's been a little over a year since we first met each other at that audition (neither of us got in), and now we're both performing side by side (literally) to each other. It only took a year.
I believe that wasn't fate. Everyone was put in our lives for a reason. I can tell that this person was put into my life for a definite reason. I can already give you some that she's shown me. Everyone teaches you something. I can already tell you some things I've learned from her, and I hope she's learned something from me. God puts everyone in our lives for a certain reason, he doesn't leave things up to chance. It wasn't fate that we met. He planned it. He said, "You need someone like her in your life," and made it happen. What we chose to do with it was our decision. She's one of my best friends, and I hope she continues to be for a long time. If not, then at least I've learned what I can, while I had it. I just hope I can have it for longer.
So much has happened since I wrote that post. So many feelings have changed and experiences have occurred. I just went back and read that post, and remembered how it felt writing it. I decided: it's time to write a continuation. So, here it is:
It's now March, and things have been put into full effect. We've been working our hours for First Stage Players, I've been in a show already (Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat), and are in the process of another show, Flat Stanley. She got into the show, and I didn't. But I'm teching for it, so it's alright. She's getting a lot of negative attention during this show. People are saying things behind her back, and not being the nicest to her. I'm standing by her though. Every time I walk into the cold theatre to set up for a show, she gives me a hug, or I give her a hug. Even though I'm on the crew and she's in the cast, we're still best friends. We're still talking a lot. And with everything anyone says mean about her, I'm telling her. I'm standing up for her. I'm being the friend she's always been to me, or I'm at least trying to be. As many things that have happened within this show's run, I'm there for her. She's there for me. I can't ask for a better friend.
It's now April, and although Flat Stanley's over, we're not put to rest yet. We're in the midst of rehearsals for a new show we're in together, The Sound of Music. Rehearsals are pretty fun, not much is happening. Everyone's in a pretty good mood. Then, the show starts.
It's now late-May, and we're right in the middle of the run of The Sound of Music. This is where things start to take a turn. Suddenly, everything I was during Flat Stanley is thrown out the window. Then, I was trying to be a good friend, and now, I'm being the opposite. I'm not doing it on purpose, but I am. I'm talking behind her back with another person. It's nothing really serious, but it wasn't the right thing for me to do. Eventually, it comes out, and she knows. It's four in the morning, and we're having a text argument/conversation. There's nothing I can do but apologize profusely. The next day, she texts me and says that she slept on it, and now forgives me. I'm happy with that. And things kind of go back to the way they were. Kind of. I feel as if suddenly, she doesn't like me. Like she's avoiding me. She's not talking to me anymore, only to ask for favors, and she's talking to others instead. She's excluding me, and leaving me out. I try to tell her, but she won't listen. Towards the end of the run, it kind of gets better, but not really. She doesn't even say goodbye to me when she leaves the theater after the last show. That hurts, but it's kind of okay though. We're going to New York the next day with the First Stage Players.
It's now July 11th, and we're heading to New York city. The rest of the week flys by. It was the best week of my life, but it also hurts me. She's still not talking to me. At all. She doesn't even mutter so much as a word to me some days. She's seriously excluding and ignoring me. I continue to tell her, but she doesn't listen, and thinks that I'm ignoring her. It hurts. And after New York, we're not going to see each other again for a while, since we're taking a break from theatre. Nothing is fixed. Nothing's resolved. Nothing. I do the only thing I can think of doing. And as much as it was a horrible decision, I did it. I indirect tweeted very mean things about her. I called her hypocritical, selfish, and a bad friend. I called her many things that I don't mean now. It wasn't the right thing to do, I never should've done it. But I did. And again, I apologize profusely. She won't forgive me. She kind of apologized for excluding me, and I forgave her. We all make mistakes. We're human. But she won't forgive me. I'm crying every day, and stressing out all the time. I've never been this unhappy. I try and try to convince her to have a conversation with me, to REALLY talk it out. She won't.
It's now July, and I text her today asking her a question completely un-related to all of this. Her answer makes me upset, and jealous. I respond with, "Oh. Okay. Thanks." Since she can read me like a picture book, she knows something's wrong. She responds with, "Yeah... You okay?" Things are a bit awkward between us because of the whole argument. We still haven't talked about it, and I'm still trying to get her to. I respond with, "Yeah, I guess. I'm just... Jealous? I don't know," and she doesn't respond. This gives me the sense of realization that: it's over. I made a stupid mistake because of her mistake, and it's all over. Everything that we've been through, everything that we've done. It's over. It's thrown out the window because she won't forgive me. And now... we're not best friends anymore. There's no use in trying to get her to talk to me, because she's not going to forgive me. I have no idea why. It doesn't make sense to me. But she's not. It's over. Our friendship... is over.
"Everyone was put in our lives for a reason. I can tell that this person was put into my life for a definite reason." These are words I continue to stand by, even after all this has been said and done. Maybe this ended badly. Maybe we'll never be friends again. But that year that I had her in my life, I cannot be more thankful for. I do feel like having her in my life was a blessing from God, as I said before. She's taught me so many things I wouldn't have learned if I didn't have her. She especially taught me how to be a friend. That's one of the most important lessons you can learn. It's making me cry buckets writing this. I can barely see the screen. I don't like the way that things ended, not one bit. I wish I could go back in time and change them. But I am still incredibly blessed to have had this person in my life, even if it was for only a year. I wouldn't be writing this if I wasn't. In "Fate", I wrote, "She's one of my best friends, and I hope she continues to be for a long time. If not, then at least I've learned what I can, while I had it. I just hope I can have it for longer." That holds very true to this situation. She might be out of my life forever. If so, I've learned what I can. But I still do hope I can have it for longer. I really do. So, this seems like this post is the end of a long journey for me. From the beginning of "Fate", until the end of "'Fate' Continued". This seems like it might be "The end," for this person and I. I hope it isn't. I hope it's "The end, until..." as it was so many times before.
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