"Fate" Continued

A while ago, I wrote a post entitled "Fate". It was probably the most emotional post I have ever written, and it still is very emotional to me as I am writing this. If this is your first time reading, or if you just can't remember much about what it said, go back and read it before continuing this post. Then, come back and read this.

The last, and half of the second to last paragraphs of that post went like this:

This time, it's not "the end, until...". It's still continuing. It's just beginning. It's been a little over a year since we first met each other at that audition (neither of us got in), and now we're both performing side by side (literally) to each other. It only took a year.

I believe that wasn't fate. Everyone was put in our lives for a reason. I can tell that this person was put into my life for a definite reason. I can already give you some that she's shown me. Everyone teaches you something. I can already tell you some things I've learned from her, and I hope she's learned something from me. God puts everyone in our lives for a certain reason, he doesn't leave things up to chance. It wasn't fate that we met. He planned it. He said, "You need someone like her in your life," and made it happen. What we chose to do with it was our decision. She's one of my best friends, and I hope she continues to be for a long time. If not, then at least I've learned what I can, while I had it. I just hope I can have it for longer.

So much has happened since I wrote that post. So many feelings have changed and experiences have occurred. I just went back and read that post, and remembered how it felt writing it. I decided: it's time to write a continuation. So, here it is:

It's now March, and things have been put into full effect. We've been working our hours for First Stage Players, I've been in a show already (Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat), and are in the process of another show, Flat Stanley. She got into the show, and I didn't. But I'm teching for it, so it's alright. She's getting a lot of negative attention during this show. People are saying things behind her back, and not being the nicest to her. I'm standing by her though. Every time I walk into the cold theatre to set up for a show, she gives me a hug, or I give her a hug. Even though I'm on the crew and she's in the cast, we're still best friends. We're still talking a lot. And with everything anyone says mean about her, I'm telling her. I'm standing up for her. I'm being the friend she's always been to me, or I'm at least trying to be. As many things that have happened within this show's run, I'm there for her. She's there for me. I can't ask for a better friend.

It's now April, and although Flat Stanley's over, we're not put to rest yet. We're in the midst of rehearsals for a new show we're in together, The Sound of Music. Rehearsals are pretty fun, not much is happening. Everyone's in a pretty good mood. Then, the show starts.

It's now late-May, and we're right in the middle of the run of The Sound of Music. This is where things start to take a turn. Suddenly, everything I was during Flat Stanley is thrown out the window. Then, I was trying to be a good friend, and now, I'm being the opposite. I'm not doing it on purpose, but I am. I'm talking behind her back with another person. It's nothing really serious, but it wasn't the right thing for me to do. Eventually, it comes out, and she knows. It's four in the morning, and we're having a text argument/conversation. There's nothing I can do but apologize profusely. The next day, she texts me and says that she slept on it, and now forgives me. I'm happy with that. And things kind of go back to the way they were. Kind of. I feel as if suddenly, she doesn't like me. Like she's avoiding me. She's not talking to me anymore, only to ask for favors, and she's talking to others instead. She's excluding me, and leaving me out. I try to tell her, but she won't listen. Towards the end of the run, it kind of gets better, but not really. She doesn't even say goodbye to me when she leaves the theater after the last show. That hurts, but it's kind of okay though. We're going to New York the next day with the First Stage Players.

It's now July 11th, and we're heading to New York city. The rest of the week flys by. It was the best week of my life, but it also hurts me. She's still not talking to me. At all. She doesn't even mutter so much as a word to me some days. She's seriously excluding and ignoring me. I continue to tell her, but she doesn't listen, and thinks that I'm ignoring her. It hurts. And after New York, we're not going to see each other again for a while, since we're taking a break from theatre. Nothing is fixed. Nothing's resolved. Nothing. I do the only thing I can think of doing. And as much as it was a horrible decision, I did it. I indirect tweeted very mean things about her. I called her hypocritical, selfish, and a bad friend. I called her many things that I don't mean now. It wasn't the right thing to do, I never should've done it. But I did. And again, I apologize profusely. She won't forgive me. She kind of apologized for excluding me, and I forgave her. We all make mistakes. We're human. But she won't forgive me. I'm crying every day, and stressing out all the time. I've never been this unhappy. I try and try to convince her to have a conversation with me, to REALLY talk it out. She won't.

It's now July, and I text her today asking her a question completely un-related to all of this. Her answer makes me upset, and jealous. I respond with, "Oh. Okay. Thanks." Since she can read me like a picture book, she knows something's wrong. She responds with, "Yeah... You okay?" Things are a bit awkward between us because of the whole argument. We still haven't talked about it, and I'm still trying to get her to. I respond with, "Yeah, I guess. I'm just... Jealous? I don't know," and she doesn't respond. This gives me the sense of realization that: it's over. I made a stupid mistake because of her mistake, and it's all over. Everything that we've been through, everything that we've done. It's over. It's thrown out the window because she won't forgive me. And now... we're not best friends anymore. There's no use in trying to get her to talk to me, because she's not going to forgive me. I have no idea why. It doesn't make sense to me. But she's not. It's over. Our friendship... is over.

"Everyone was put in our lives for a reason. I can tell that this person was put into my life for a definite reason." These are words I continue to stand by, even after all this has been said and done. Maybe this ended badly. Maybe we'll never be friends again. But that year that I had her in my life, I cannot be more thankful for. I do feel like having her in my life was a blessing from God, as I said before. She's taught me so many things I wouldn't have learned if I didn't have her. She especially taught me how to be a friend. That's one of the most important lessons you can learn. It's making me cry buckets writing this. I can barely see the screen. I don't like the way that things ended, not one bit. I wish I could go back in time and change them. But I am still incredibly blessed to have had this person in my life, even if it was for only a year. I wouldn't be writing this if I wasn't. In "Fate", I wrote, "She's one of my best friends, and I hope she continues to be for a long time. If not, then at least I've learned what I can, while I had it. I just hope I can have it for longer." That holds very true to this situation. She might be out of my life forever. If so, I've learned what I can. But I still do hope I can have it for longer. I really do. So, this seems like this post is the end of a long journey for me. From the beginning of "Fate", until the end of "'Fate' Continued". This seems like it might be "The end," for this person and I. I hope it isn't. I hope it's "The end, until..." as it was so many times before.