"Fate" Continued

A while ago, I wrote a post entitled "Fate". It was probably the most emotional post I have ever written, and it still is very emotional to me as I am writing this. If this is your first time reading, or if you just can't remember much about what it said, go back and read it before continuing this post. Then, come back and read this.

The last, and half of the second to last paragraphs of that post went like this:

This time, it's not "the end, until...". It's still continuing. It's just beginning. It's been a little over a year since we first met each other at that audition (neither of us got in), and now we're both performing side by side (literally) to each other. It only took a year.

I believe that wasn't fate. Everyone was put in our lives for a reason. I can tell that this person was put into my life for a definite reason. I can already give you some that she's shown me. Everyone teaches you something. I can already tell you some things I've learned from her, and I hope she's learned something from me. God puts everyone in our lives for a certain reason, he doesn't leave things up to chance. It wasn't fate that we met. He planned it. He said, "You need someone like her in your life," and made it happen. What we chose to do with it was our decision. She's one of my best friends, and I hope she continues to be for a long time. If not, then at least I've learned what I can, while I had it. I just hope I can have it for longer.

So much has happened since I wrote that post. So many feelings have changed and experiences have occurred. I just went back and read that post, and remembered how it felt writing it. I decided: it's time to write a continuation. So, here it is:

It's now March, and things have been put into full effect. We've been working our hours for First Stage Players, I've been in a show already (Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat), and are in the process of another show, Flat Stanley. She got into the show, and I didn't. But I'm teching for it, so it's alright. She's getting a lot of negative attention during this show. People are saying things behind her back, and not being the nicest to her. I'm standing by her though. Every time I walk into the cold theatre to set up for a show, she gives me a hug, or I give her a hug. Even though I'm on the crew and she's in the cast, we're still best friends. We're still talking a lot. And with everything anyone says mean about her, I'm telling her. I'm standing up for her. I'm being the friend she's always been to me, or I'm at least trying to be. As many things that have happened within this show's run, I'm there for her. She's there for me. I can't ask for a better friend.

It's now April, and although Flat Stanley's over, we're not put to rest yet. We're in the midst of rehearsals for a new show we're in together, The Sound of Music. Rehearsals are pretty fun, not much is happening. Everyone's in a pretty good mood. Then, the show starts.

It's now late-May, and we're right in the middle of the run of The Sound of Music. This is where things start to take a turn. Suddenly, everything I was during Flat Stanley is thrown out the window. Then, I was trying to be a good friend, and now, I'm being the opposite. I'm not doing it on purpose, but I am. I'm talking behind her back with another person. It's nothing really serious, but it wasn't the right thing for me to do. Eventually, it comes out, and she knows. It's four in the morning, and we're having a text argument/conversation. There's nothing I can do but apologize profusely. The next day, she texts me and says that she slept on it, and now forgives me. I'm happy with that. And things kind of go back to the way they were. Kind of. I feel as if suddenly, she doesn't like me. Like she's avoiding me. She's not talking to me anymore, only to ask for favors, and she's talking to others instead. She's excluding me, and leaving me out. I try to tell her, but she won't listen. Towards the end of the run, it kind of gets better, but not really. She doesn't even say goodbye to me when she leaves the theater after the last show. That hurts, but it's kind of okay though. We're going to New York the next day with the First Stage Players.

It's now July 11th, and we're heading to New York city. The rest of the week flys by. It was the best week of my life, but it also hurts me. She's still not talking to me. At all. She doesn't even mutter so much as a word to me some days. She's seriously excluding and ignoring me. I continue to tell her, but she doesn't listen, and thinks that I'm ignoring her. It hurts. And after New York, we're not going to see each other again for a while, since we're taking a break from theatre. Nothing is fixed. Nothing's resolved. Nothing. I do the only thing I can think of doing. And as much as it was a horrible decision, I did it. I indirect tweeted very mean things about her. I called her hypocritical, selfish, and a bad friend. I called her many things that I don't mean now. It wasn't the right thing to do, I never should've done it. But I did. And again, I apologize profusely. She won't forgive me. She kind of apologized for excluding me, and I forgave her. We all make mistakes. We're human. But she won't forgive me. I'm crying every day, and stressing out all the time. I've never been this unhappy. I try and try to convince her to have a conversation with me, to REALLY talk it out. She won't.

It's now July, and I text her today asking her a question completely un-related to all of this. Her answer makes me upset, and jealous. I respond with, "Oh. Okay. Thanks." Since she can read me like a picture book, she knows something's wrong. She responds with, "Yeah... You okay?" Things are a bit awkward between us because of the whole argument. We still haven't talked about it, and I'm still trying to get her to. I respond with, "Yeah, I guess. I'm just... Jealous? I don't know," and she doesn't respond. This gives me the sense of realization that: it's over. I made a stupid mistake because of her mistake, and it's all over. Everything that we've been through, everything that we've done. It's over. It's thrown out the window because she won't forgive me. And now... we're not best friends anymore. There's no use in trying to get her to talk to me, because she's not going to forgive me. I have no idea why. It doesn't make sense to me. But she's not. It's over. Our friendship... is over.

"Everyone was put in our lives for a reason. I can tell that this person was put into my life for a definite reason." These are words I continue to stand by, even after all this has been said and done. Maybe this ended badly. Maybe we'll never be friends again. But that year that I had her in my life, I cannot be more thankful for. I do feel like having her in my life was a blessing from God, as I said before. She's taught me so many things I wouldn't have learned if I didn't have her. She especially taught me how to be a friend. That's one of the most important lessons you can learn. It's making me cry buckets writing this. I can barely see the screen. I don't like the way that things ended, not one bit. I wish I could go back in time and change them. But I am still incredibly blessed to have had this person in my life, even if it was for only a year. I wouldn't be writing this if I wasn't. In "Fate", I wrote, "She's one of my best friends, and I hope she continues to be for a long time. If not, then at least I've learned what I can, while I had it. I just hope I can have it for longer." That holds very true to this situation. She might be out of my life forever. If so, I've learned what I can. But I still do hope I can have it for longer. I really do. So, this seems like this post is the end of a long journey for me. From the beginning of "Fate", until the end of "'Fate' Continued". This seems like it might be "The end," for this person and I. I hope it isn't. I hope it's "The end, until..." as it was so many times before.

Forgiveness and Acceptance

I've always felt like second chances were incredibly stupid. Not because we shouldn't give someone more chances, but because of the number of chances we give them when we give them a "second chance". We should always give people more than one chance to be a good person, or a good friend, but two is way too little! There is not ONE person that will shape up to be a perfect person in two tries. Not one. Why? Because we're human, and we make mistakes. Have you ever heard the term, "Learn from your mistakes"? That's very true. We all make mistakes, things happen. The important thing is that we learn from them, and not do them again. That's where 'forgiveness' comes in.

Forgiveness is what shapes our lives. It's what can either can make or break a friendship, or relationship of any kind. Because, again, we all make mistakes. If someone does you wrong, it's because they're human. It's only natural. If it's an accident, they didn't mean to hurt you. They didn't want to do what they did. After they apologize, believe them. If they've never given you a reason to call them a bad friend before, why do that now? Trust that they've learned from what they did, and they'll never do it again. Being mad at them or holding a grudge won't do anything. It won't change what happened. You won't go back in time to fix it. It happened, so let it. You can't do anything about it. If anything, being mad would make it even worse. Then the person you're mad at is upset, and the you're not happy. You can't be mad and happy at the same time. Which would you rather be? Forgive them, because being mad won't do anything but make the situation worse.

On that note, if you're the person that needs to be forgiven, and not the one that needs to forgive, sometimes the other person can be stubborn. Sometimes they might not want to forgive you. They'll say, "I've had enough!" and walk away. They just won't forgive you. That's where the other word comes in: acceptance.

Not being accepted, but accepting. Accepting the fact that this person is just not going to forgive you. Now, before I tell you anything else about acceptance, I want to tell you: By apologizing, and taking that initiative, YOU ARE THE BIGGER PERSON. By trying to talk to them, and trying to make amends, you are being the better one. It's not your fault if they don't forgive you, you've done all you can. So, before you start to come down hard on yourself because you're not forgiven, know that they're the ones that are being immature.

Back to what I was saying about acceptance: If they're not going to forgive you, then they're not going to forgive you. It's that simple. You've done all that you can, and can do no more. Sometimes, in a relationship of any kind, no is stronger than yes. You can't make them forgive you. You can't make them be friends with them again. You have to accept that. Once you do, you'll be much happier. I'm not going to lie: you'll probably look back at the past, and shed a tear or two. Your heart will probably hurt remembering the good times and knowing that they no longer exist. But would you rather be upset about them not forgiving you your whole life, or eventually accept it, and move on? What's done is done, and it is what it is. You can't change it, so why worry about trying?

Forgive those you can, and accept what it is. At the end of the day, you'll be a lot happier.